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Friend Recounts Violent Abduction, Kills Buzz

Image courtesy of humansarefree.com

Last Friday at approximately 9:00pm, as a group of friends sat around a small table chit chatting and partaking in a simple drinking game, sources report that Jessie Franklin felt the sudden need to make the situation all about herself.

“Guys!” whined Franklin as those in attendance looked at each other and rolled their eyes. “I just had a really hard day, can we talk?”

Recognizing what was happening, several members of the group immediately tried to circumvent the situation by offering various conversational alternatives to Franklin’s day, such as sports, politics, or even which color Teletubby everyone liked best, but to no avail, as Franklin plowed on, undeterred.

“I was just sitting in my room, and my stupid roommate comes in and goes, ‘I’m going out for the night, see you tomorrow.’ What a bitch!”

Her friends, in the loosest sense of the word, did their best to tune out Franklin’s unsolicited intrusion and return to an ongoing game of King’s Cup.

“After that, this really bright light started shining in the window. I went to see what it was, but as soon as I was closer, I suddenly couldn’t move my arms and legs! Then this mysterious power lifted me up, pulled me out the window, and transported me aboard a big starship that was hovering over my dorm.”

In a later interview, Marlon Greene, victim of this social disaster, would say, “literally no one asked.” Despite Franklin’s insistence that she had just been experimented on by life forms from another planet possessing technology far surpassing our own, ignoring all physical evidence presented, including fresh stitches, a bulge under her skin on her lower back that she claimed was a tracking device, and the new flavor of Doritos the aliens had apparently gifted her, none would give Franklin the time of day.

Franklin then went around the circle to each person individually, beseeching them to pay attention to her. The party, however, continued uninterrupted, as the King’s Cup players either drank continuously until Franklin moved on, or joked to someone else in the circle while the visibly flustered Franklin begged them to taste the plasma-fusion-flavored chips.

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