SHORT HILLS, NJ – Noting the upcoming total separation from old friends and family, along with the pressures of meeting hundreds of new people in an unfamiliar environment, the anxiety disorder of freshman Cari Springland is absolutely pumped to arrive at Emory for orientation.
“I really feel like I can thrive here,” said the area of the brain which controls Springland’s mild form of generalized anxiety disorder “with all the pre-med intro classes, newfound social pressures and the knowledge that any decision I make has the potential to affect the rest of my college career, it’s like a dream come true.”
Springland won’t be alone though. Indeed, the flawed limbic systems of nearly all her her friends from high school and future classmates are eagerly awaiting the chance to associate even the simplest parts of the day with undue stress. By conservative estimates, the net amount of time spent worrying about conversing with their roommates and finding a table of people to eat with at lunch will add up to nearly thirty years, if one includes their post-traumatic episodes after college.
Upon further questioning, Springland’s neurological structures that process fear, aggression, and pain gushed that, “If registering for classes over the summer was any indication, these might truly be the best four years ever.”
Thankfully, Emory’s orientation program consists solely of hungover orientation leaders treating freshman like they are still children at a summer camp, and will have virtually no effect on her ability to live in near constant dread of an unknown problem.
Springland terminated the interview by falling face down into a pillow screaming at herself for not going to the University of Massachusetts instead, a school that offers absolutely no logically comprehensible advantage over Emory, but that’s just how her brain happened to be feeling at the time.
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