I didn’t think it could happen to me. Like, this was one of those things you see on the Wheel EPD reports and think, “wow, glad I’m not THAT girl.” But it can and it did. I almost hooked up with a Trump supporter and lived to tell the story.
It was my first big frat party. The theme was somewhere between Purple Heart War Hero and The Jungle Book, so naturally I was dressed as a sexy cat. Looking back, I feel so stupid having not realised that my hook-up-to-be was a Trump supporter, but I guess I was blinded by how adorable his tiny drawn on moustache looked.
He approached me first at the bar, where he offered to hold my drink because it looked “a little too heavy” for my feminine arms. I thought this was just how nice college boys acted, but when some drunk guy dressed as a tree stumbled into us and spilled both of our drinks, my mystery man went and found a mop so that I could “clean up this mess, dammit!”
The next thing I knew, we were on the dance floor and things were heating up. I was too amazed by his cute butt moving back and forth to even notice his weird hand movements that made it look like he and some kind of imaginary reality show sidekick were trying to fingerbang every girl in a 10 mile radius.
This is where the night gets a little bit blurry, but I vaguely remember agreeing to go home with him after his offer to give me “the best time anybody had ever experienced in the history of the world, just absolutely great.” I also sort of recall him trying to talk to me about how Obama founded ISIS in the Uber ride back, but I was too busy texting all of my friends that I was going home with a SENIOR!!!!!!!!
It wasn’t until he opened the door to his room that it finally hit me. Maybe it was the headboard that oddly resembled a cement wall or the sound of Kid Rock playing softly in the background, but I realised that this seemingly cool senior was actually was. As soon as he took of his shirt, I spotted his tattoo of all the lyrics to “Proud to Be an American” and knew I had to get out of there.
I tried everything. When I said I had an early geology lab the next morning, he just laughed. “Freshmen never get into that class!” I even told him I was going to write in Bernie on election day! Nothing. It wasn’t until I tried to ask him about Trump’s policies that he all of a sudden wasn’t feeling well and quickly shoo’d me out the door. I took a safe ride back to my dorm, and to this day I can hardly sleep without being haunted by the image of my own reflection in his shaved head.