ATLANTA – In light of recent events surrounding police violence around America, Emory’s police chief reassured the community that his office is “just a bunch of regular joes, who just happen to possess the power to take life with impunity”.
“The view of police in this country is spoiled by a few bad apples,” said Chief Williams continued, “ and we have strong community outreach initiatives to show the people of Emory that officers are really no different from you and I. Our recent ATO vs Police Dodgeball game showed that at the end of the day, we’re just a bunch of dudes doing their job which happens to come with the perk of one or two accidental homicides.”
In light of a University of Cincinnati PD officer shooting an unarmed man, Chief Williams also made it clear that unlike other campus police forces, Emory PD’s senseless murders will always have the best intentions.
“We have great relations with the student body here” said an officer who preferred to remain unnamed in case the media ever caught up to him about his racially biased police record “we held a great event called Coffee With A Cop in the black student union that showed people that us officers are just normal folks. Even if we carry guns that could kill anyone at any time, we love coffee and pizza just as much as the next fella.”
The police chief spoke very highly of the students, noting that they were pretty much all apathetic enough to forget a flagrant overuse of force in like, a week, if it ever did happen.
Chief Williams also announced several new initiatives that Emory PD will be implementing at the start of the semester, which will be part of their year long What’s Up Dudes and Gals? Campaign.
“To keep the campus a safe space,we will now be using the safeword “bananas” to prevent excessive brutality. To promote a better image for the department, off-duty officers will wear body cameras which will record instances of their humanity, such as walking in a quaint dog park, going to the movies, and passionate lovemaking.”
At press time, Chief Williams was found sizing up a couple of students who would definitely look threatening enough to a grand jury.