Emory Xfinity, Try Again: The Four Porn Channels Emory Xfinity Failed to Deliver

Emory University recently spent an inordinate amount of money to pay for a service that the students were already offered and that most won’t use. While the exact amount is uncertain, an anonymous, rogue reporter from The Wheel found that the cost is equivalent to that of  tearing down a building and putting up a circus tent instead.

Think this is bad? It gets worse. Not only does Emory Xfinity make students log in with their Emory username, its next step forces students to type a series of on-screen distorted characters to verify the student was “ a Duke reject” and “from Long Island.”

Normally, this would be worth it if Emory Xfinity met the promises set forth by the serial public masturbator squatting in the 4th Floor Library study lounge. Yet the administration did not even attempt to adhere to these promises. These are four porn channels promised by the masturbator that Emory failed to deliver on.

Nana’s Muffin Bakery

Nothing says homey like a grandmother’s smile and the smell of freshly-baked cookies. Imagine this pulled into your wildest fantasies. “Oh Nana, why are you covered with macarons and lying on the table?” “But Nana, you left the oven on! You are a naughty naughty girl.” Now, Emory students will never get to experience the sexual pleasure that comes from watching a young-at-heart Mawmaw shouting a cornbread recipe while the oven moans that the cookies are ready.

Vegan Sex Channel

Far too often, porn emphasizes eroticism between animals. After conferring with vegans, the group consensus is clear: porn is an animal product and cannot be used by those practicing veganism. Vegan Sex Channel was a beacon of hope for Emory students who choose this self-affliction. Sorry, students, this dream is as crushed as the DUC. Now, the student body will never get to take a bite out of the acclaimed film “Wood Stalk,” a sexual biopic of Woodstock if all the humans were instead celery.

Overnight Shipping

This channel fuses sex, reality TV, and standard shipping fees. Contestants on the show must break out of the boxes in which they were shipped and have sex in all cabins of the plane before it lands in Toledo. If they lose, they are arrested for indecent exposure. But if they win, they are arrested for indecent exposure after having sex on an airplane. It’s a show for anyone that wonders the cost of an overweight box needing to be shipped overnight. Not sure if you are into this fetish? Well, thanks to Emory Xfinity, you’ll never be able to find out.

Emory TV 

Technically, this is a station aired on Emory Xfinity. The porn content promised on this station, though, is unoriginal and sparse. Benji Balmer, a sophomore in the college, stresses this, “I can only get off to that colored bar screen so many times.” (Benji’s roommate says Benji is nowhere close to this point.) The lack of original content is nevertheless disappointing, and it won’t get any better on Emory Xfinity.

Emory University is bleak. The campus is full of broken hearts and full bottles of lube. The Emory Spoke forecasted this unfortunate event last year and released material to help students cope. Our solution? To create the climax of school spirit, in cinematic fashion. By beginning at 3:46, let us help you reconnect with campus by getting off, something Emory Xfinity will never be able to do

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