Emory to Use Spring Break Prison Camp to Make Up for Lost Class Time

Artist's Rendering
Artist’s Rendering

Following the school cancellations, Senior Associate Dean for Undergraduate Education Jody Mauer sent an email to directors of undergraduate study on Tuesday, requesting feedback for replacing spring break with mandatory attendance at academic prison camps. The camps would use forced labor to require students to catch up and learn what they missed over the snow breaks.

In Mauer’s email, sent out today at around 11:30 a.m., she cited “a need to discuss the possibility of replacing spring break with mandatory, Soviet-style re-education camps located in undisclosed areas of Panama City Beach” to make up for missed Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday classes.

“Many faculty members and students already have plans for the spring break,” Mauer lamented. “But after being psychologically broken down into a shell of a human being through forced labor, psychological manipulation, and required study hours, only to be built back up, they’ll forget they even had plans.”

The push for rescheduling comes after many student complaints about wasted tuition dollars. Mauer stated that she hopes “the forced labor will give students a chance to earn back some of their hard-earned tuition dollars, as students will have the opportunity to make pennies on the hour working in brick mines, heavy agricultural production, and iPad factories.”

“This seems to be the only realistic option,” she wrote.

Mauer ended the email by asking the directors to let her know if there are problems with this approach that she did not consider, or if there were other methods of force that faculty would like her to consider.

“I hope that you will share your feedback as we think about the implications on Emory’s standing in international law,” Mauer wrote. “But mostly whether this will help us in the US News and World Report college rankings.”

Emory Vice President Hauk and Communications Vice President Seideman could not be reached for comment, as they were being detained in the administration basement for suspected political dissent in the aftermath of an attempt to cancel Friday classes.

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