In the best allocation of federal grant money since the invention of the polio vaccine, Emory researchers found groundbreaking evidence that the size of James Wagner’s testicles directly correlate with his propensity to drive the university into a deep pit of despair.
News of the study has been abuzz on the Emory campus, and students and faculty are relieved that they have found a biological basis for Wagner’s oft-maligned leadership.
“I was worried”, noted researcher Jack Wyckoff, “For all I knew, James Wagner was just a massive idiot, but I’m relieved to know we have found a reason for his laughable tenure here at the university.”
Some Alumni have even reached out to the Spoke to comment on the research, with famous alum Newt Gingrich applauding the study. “After a few years in congress, I learned that ball size and terrible leadership went hand in hand,” said Gingrich.
The study included several variables to test for incompetence in order to compare to testicle size, including probability of using a racially insensitive example in official university correspondence, likelihood of supplying false admissions data, and number of departments cut multiplied by size of personal checking account. These results were then compared to testicular circumference. President Wagner measured a behemoth scrotal circumference of 50.4 centimeters, a size that the Emory history department confirmed was matched only by the the Roman emperor Caligula.
The study was conducted over the past year, and used a rigorous methodology to ensure the link between Wagner’s balls and incompetence. To ensure accuracy, Emory researchers examined former Presidents, exhuming some from their graves, and examined their testicle sizes in relation to how poor their leadership was. The research was consistent; Emory’s presidents almost always maintain at least two testicles.The researchers noted that the majority of Emory’s presidents had large testicle sizes, with the smallest pair belonging to Atticus Haygood, who decided to move the university away from the Oxford campus.
Michael Hawken, the head of research in the anthropology department, told The Spoke to watch out for upcoming research, “We are currently in the process of examining the correlation between Keystone Light consumption and fraternity membership, and whether business majors are more likely to resent their fellow man,” he added that “we were going to test whether Spoke readers had bigger balls than Wheel readers, but come on, that’s obvious right?”
The Emory Psychology department also received a federal grant in this line of research. John Wenton, chair of the department stated that “Scholars are very concerned about how the human mind becomes corrupted so easily after achieving a sense of power. Academics studied this back in the days of Mao Zedong and Richard Nixon, but we have been unable to find a recent specimen so dedicated to the eradication of everything good about what they have control over until James Wagner. There is a major academic curiosity over how one man’s hefty testicles could corrupt so thoroughly.”
Mrs. Wagner could not be reached for comment.