Emory sophomore Thomas Greene walked backwards out of the admission building Thursday morning for the second time this month, moving backwards into the hell that is his existence as an Emory tour guide, and in a broader sense, as a human being.
“I worked really hard freshman year to get to where I am today,” Thomas said, justifying the pathetic state of his life by remembering when it was somehow worse, “I went to all the lobby hosting events and all the interviews.”
“I rocked them,” Thomas continued, visibly suppressing memories of missed moments with friends and love interests, “I learned that handbook backwards and forwards.”
Thomas remains one of the most sought after tour guides, with his dead-eyed smile and ambiguous ethnicity. He is a member of SGA, RHA, APO, and many other clubs whose acronyms are the most interesting things about them. As a guide he excels with groups of families; every time he makes a mildly amusing scripted joke about “J-Wags” and the wonders of the Turman dormitory, even perceptive children can notice a sliver of his soul ebb away. Thomas describes his hatred of the touring parents as “nonexistent” in a sincere but laughable attempt to hide his burning, inner disdain.
“While we have excellent pre-professional programs, Emory’s true focus is on the liberal arts,” he said as another fragment of his being dissipated.
Sources reported that Thomas was spotted reciting that “the student experience at Oxford is just as good as it is here!” with a straight face. The pain only escalates as one watches Thomas repeat the phrase “the workload is definitely doable, and time management is key!” while giving the administration-mandated thumbs-up.
“Of course I would never quit,” Thomas lied to one Spoke reporter. “I love showing high school seniors the outside of buildings while reassuring them that yes, their AP credit will transfer, and yes, we have school spirit. Did they even see our Founders Day party?”
“That philosophy class on the good life left us utterly unprepared for this state of moral degradation,” his subconscious thought.
“Go Eagles!” he said.
At press time, Thomas was forcing his face into a haunting, contorted smile while explaining to his group that DUC food is delicious year round.