Emory Police Department trying too fucking hard

Emory Police Department hijacked attention at Wonderful Wednesday, a student run and oriented event. Nothing says building leadership, trust, and community quite like an organization with little to no student involvement insisting on the adoration of every passerby.

EPD provided a small tent where they served pizza. Officer Jonny Russ  explained, “We base most of our student body needs’ analysis on the locations of where students report problems.”

Russ continued to describe a variety of calls he’d gotten involving drunk students at Dominos. “There was a freshman wearing only a bed sheet, asserting his status as a Greek god, and claiming to be above the law. A girl dressed in all camo tried to hide by lying down while whispering, ‘Grass… Grass.’ One guy called in crying because he forgot to specify that he wanted cheese and a crust included in his pizza. When we arrived on scene, we arrested the Dominos employee who had been so negligent as to put two pounds of pepperoni in a cardboard box and call it a job well done.”

Given such a high volume of calls, EPD concluded that pizza must be a staple of the standard college student diet. Unfortunately, they had no substitutes for lactose intolerant, gluten-free, or tomato-fearing students.

Sources overheard a particularly ballsy student inquiring if the green flakes in the pizza sauce were weed. Officer Lin responded, “Oh, God, no! At Wonderful Wednesday? If you’re going to get high, I’d rather you do it behind the baseball fields.”

EPD even offered an inflatable obstacle course to increase the agility of those students who had eaten so much Dominos as to be unable to escape the police. As Officer Russ stated: “We don’t want to be the bad guys.”

The dunk tank, courtesy of EPD, allowed grudge-bearing students to dunk the officer who took their fake last Thursday night.

Sophomore Carter Wiley said, “Seeing the fear in Officer Charles’ eyes as he plunged into the water gave me the sense of power I felt I lost when I was forced to call it a night at 3:30AM. I could have brought a chick home, you know? But I couldn’t get into Mag’s.”

Our sources report that he most likely could not have brought a “chick” home. His track record is mediocre on a good day. When our reporters remind him of these stats, we saw the same sense of power drained from his eyes, but EPD came to the rescue once again. To cheer him up, Officer Lin discharged three rounds from his service T-shirt gun directly into the student’s chest, sending him to Emory hospital on watch for internal hemorrhaging.

Our sources find that this increase in budgeting for pizza, dunk tanks, and inflatable obstacle courses leaves fewer resources dedicated to protecting students. When confronted, EPD offered alternative uses for their Wonderful Wednesday supplies, such as physically throwing an entire corn hole at a potential criminal.

At press time, EPD was devising a plan to kidnap Dooley and release students from class to “get on their good side again.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

*

Go to Top