With the increasing competition amongst colleges to create the illusion of financial appeal, the Office of Financial Aid has introduced a new tuition payment plan that will allow students to give up their organs to the University Hospital in place of actual currency. As is the case with any forms of payment students give to the university, it is still unclear where it goes or what it is used for.
In affordable installments of 3 pounds of body matter biweekly, students can continue to attend Emory even after they have given up everything that constitutes a human being, including the brain, kidneys, liver, lungs, nervous system, and the temporal lobe associated with self awareness. However, students must pay for the organ-removing surgery by their own accord.
John Jacobs has already taken advantage of the new payment plan and will be graduating almost debt free in 2016.When asked for an interview about his experience with the payment plan, he politely declined as he no longer exists, save for a small bit of his frontal lobe that floats in a vat. Jacobs had plans to graduate completely debt free, but lacked sufficient brain matter to meet the three pound minimum.
“We’re absolutely thrilled that our son will be able to be completely self-sufficient in financing his future,” the mother of a prospective student told us during a campus visit. “He’ll be so self-sufficient, in fact, that he won’t even need a summer job before college!”