We’ve all been there, the Monday after a wild weekend, swapping some absolutely fire stories about how utterly trashed we got, and how hard in the proverbial paint we went, but, of course, your buddies always have their own mad wicked tales to tell, and, of course, at that point it becomes hard to parse out just who had the craziest night.
There are just so many variables to consider: how many pills were taken, how many drinks dranken, how many uninterested (but very interested) babes were hit on, how many times you puked and rallied, and, most importantly, the ratio of punches given to punches received.
Now, after months of rigorous prototyping, and “giving it our all, really giving it 110%,” the dankest B-school kids to ever walk these hallowed halls have developed an infallible method of quantifying just how wild last night really was.
After much poking and prodding, and many promises not to “narc” on any individuals, these suit-and-tie-sporting, salmon-pants-wearing, undeniably coolest of the cool were convinced to “open the kimono” and share some of this new technology’s “bleeding edge core competencies.”
Apparently, these briefcase-toting, money-loving, self-styled wolves of Wall Street have been able to get someone else to perfect this new method for them, in order to monetize it for themselves, by “drilling down into the nerds in R&D,” who suggested using saliva, urine, hair, and blood samples, as well as a number of directly reported metrics, and a proprietary blend of secret, “specific, streamlined, and synergized” benchmarks.
This data is then entered into and processed by a small, self-contained, quantum computer, which also serves as a polygraph. They refer to this contraption as the Computerized and Onboard Karezza Engine to Facilitate Intragroup Expedition of Negation of Debates, or “C.O.K.E. F.I.E.N.D.” for short. C.O.K.E. F.I.E.N.D. weights, and tabulates, all of the data empirically, basing each metric’s relative importance in creating a “hella good night” on its particular ratio of fuckery, debauchery, sexual misconduct, general offputtingness, etc.
Once the numbers have been crunched, it provides a ranking of the night, which is posted to a leaderboard online, and on a newly installed screen in the B-school courtyard, as well as printing a physical copy, in the form of a receipt, which is conveniently designed to be easily rolled into a straw. As if that wasn’t enough, it also mines Bitcoin and actively participates in facilitating the ivory trade, but, apparently, “all that stuff would be above [me].”
This device, which set to be released by next semester, is already “making hay,” even though it is still in the process of being patented as of press time. However, for all you curious folk sexy ladies wanting a special sneak peek, be sure to attend one of the innumerable opportunities to go out and get “shwasted” with anyone named Chad, Buckner, Trent, Pfizer, Chase, Brad, Travis, Goizueta, Collins, and/or Tanner, as they will surely be able to show you a coke fiend in action.