Emory Administration Announces Extra Spooky Halloween Layoffs
Part of a new broad-based initiative to integrate holiday fun with administrative decisions, the Emory University administration announced a “super-scary” set of layoffs and budget cuts early this Friday in a display of halloween fervor.
The University released a statement citing their reasons for the additional layoffs in a mass e-mail.
“Emory is committed to creating a spooktacular environment for this Halloween,” the statement starts. “Nothing says spooktacular these days like unemployment.”
“Ooooo!” the email added.
Signed by James Wagner and vetted by senior academic advisor Dr. Acula, the termination of employment notices were packed with clever references to ghouls, gremlins, and an uncertain future. “Be sure you are GOBLIN up some candy on your way out the door today,” the letter reads. “And remember to dust those COBWEBS off those food stamp applications!”
The notices seem to have accomplished their spooky goal among the letter’s recipients . “I’m really scared right now,” said now-former DUC Employee Sarah Reinstag. “I’m scared for myself. Myself and my children. The child dressed as a pumpkin on the first page saying ‘Trick or treat, smell my feet, now vacate this property.’ did nothing to stop chills from running down my spine.”
“You have up to three boo!-siness days,” the eerie letter concludes.