Over the past month, four representatives of the Delta Tau Delta fraternity sat in the DUC from 9am to 5pm to recruit new brothers. Recently, one of our Spoke reporters sat down with Andrew Schreiner, Delta Tau Delta’s Chapter Leadership Consultant, and two of the fraternity’s newest “Founding Fathers” to learn more about Delta Tau Delta.
“Delta Tau Delta is committed to changing the image of fraternities on campuses abroad,” Schreiner stated. “And in order to make a difference, we needed our brothers to be Emory’s finest gentlemen. That’s why we only gave bids to anyone who was willing to pay the $80 for dues.”
“I mean, they’re pretty selective,” boasted super-senior Ian Valsecchi, Delta Tau Delta’s most recent Founding Father, who accepted his bid to the new fraternity by connecting his facebook account to a DTD iPhone application. “I knew there was a reason why I didn’t graduate with the rest of my class. DTD is my destiny, and I am its child.”
Then, Schreiner suddenly lost his temper and punched a throw pillow, which seemingly broke his hand on the spot.
“It was those damn precocious Girl Scouts!” Schreiner spat between kisses on his bruised hand. “They came out of nowhere and conquered half of our territory. They stole our resources, our land, and insulted Delta Tau Delta by trying to sell me a box of Do-Si-Dos. I don’t even know what a Do-Si-Do is.”
Regardless of the Girl Scout’s Napoleon-esque territorial expansion, Delta Tau Delta still managed to recruit over sixty new brothers. “DTD is kind of like Emory,” admitted freshman Erik Stockwell. “It wasn’t my first choice, but hey, I’ll take it.”
“Fuck you, ATO,” Stockwell muttered.
At press time, Schreiner was spotted in fetal position eating his Do-Si-Dos after finding out that the Girl Scouts of America purchased the Asbury House.