Dear Aliz

 

We at the Spoke have long felt the need to give back to our beloved Emory community, even if we already do through our painstakingly crafted, cutting-edge journalism on a bi-weekly basis. We’re starting a little mailbag—with plenty of free advice and little quips for everyone.  We’re more than happy to tailor our wisdom and warmth to you collectively under the pseudonym “Aliz”, to trick you into thinking we have adequate female representation on staff. When the Wheel gets pissed off at us for emulating their advice column, you, the loyal Spokian, can inform them lovingly that it’s because they don’t deserve nice things. Anyway, onto the advice!

 

Dear Aliz,

What do I do if a condom breaks and gets stuck in my cervix?

From,

Liable Latex

Dear Liable Latex,

Let me break this down for you: If you’re using a condom, you should make sure you are using it correctly.  Remember the OPRAH method-

O: Open the condom, preferably in a really cool way like with your teeth or arm fat.

P: Pinch that little guy’s tip to remove air to make sure the sea men have a place to go.

R: Roll. As you pinch the tip, roll the condom down the shaft of the penis. Don’t forget that the more that teeth are involved, the sexier.

A: Act. Actually use the condom in the act of fornication.

H: Hold. Hold the condom at the base of the penis as you remove it from the vayanya.

Now, I take it into account that you did not perform the OPRAH method (bless her soul) and your condom did break.  However, your cervix does not open during intercourse and there’s very little chance you have some left over lubey laytex up in there.  IDK who you were banging or what pile-driving position you were in. BUT I’LL HAVE WHAT SHE’S HAVING. For real though, call your gyno and get that checked out ASAP.

Love,

Aliz

 

Dear Aliz,

How many girls is too many girls for a guy to have hooked up with in my sorority and still take him to the date party?

Thanks,

Loyal Lucy

Dear Loyal Lucy,

I have calculated an equation that should help you and your sisters determine how worthy this guy is of an invite.

f(date worthiness) = nobody gives one fuck. and stop being so heteronormative.

Best,

Aliz

 

Dear Aliz,

Why won’t he text back?

Thanks,

Bleeding Heart

Dear Bleeding Heart,

Does he have his read receipt on? Assuming he doesn’t, assume he did not see the message.  Therefore text him 7 more times at equal intervals of 29 minutes.  If he again does not respond, call the number.  Make sure it is still connected and he is still in the country!  If it goes to voicemail, leave a detailed message of your name, intentions, and social security number.  If all else fails show up at his residence with a boombox on your shoulders playing Peter Gabriel’s greatest hits.  He will be so impressed that you were able to find a boombox in 2015 that he will surely stop ignoring you and immediately drop his pants.

Good luck,

Aliz

 

Dear Aliz,

This is Loyal Lucy again. I took him to the date party. How do I repair my relationships with my friends and sorority sisters? Apparently I broke ‘girl code.’

Thanks,

Loyal Lucy

Dear Lucy,

First off, two letters in one sitting is kind of pushy, so if you contact me again, I’m going to file a restraining order. Don’t fuck with me. Secondly, you should sleep with every single one of his friends. I don’t know how that’ll fix any strain with your sorority, but it might be a good time anyway. Remember to floss.

Never write me again,

Aliz

 

Dear Aliz,

I just did a juice cleanse. Is my shit supposed to be liquid?

Thanks,

Writing from the Toilet

Dear Writing from the Toilet,

Shitting is a spectrum, you know. Maybe you shouldn’t be so judgmental.

Next,

Aliz

 

Dear Aliz,

Valentine’s Day is coming up, and I’m still crushed by loneliness. I just want someone to cuddle with me while we watch Modern Family on Netflix alongside pizza and a bottle of wine. Any pointers?

-Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

You know Netflix has, like, thousands of different things on it, right? I can already tell you’re a horrible, vapid individual. Nevertheless, I suggest you find an empty spot on campus at dusk, lay out several candles along the points of a pentacle, and summon C’thulu. I hear he’s really into How I Met Your Mother. Alternatively, you can develop a personality. In the meantime, bitch about it on Yik Yak. Hope this helped!

-Aliz

 

Dear Aliz,

I’ve been so fed up with Emory since its ranking drop. How am I supposed to get a job after college now? I know Emory’s a shit school, but this? Ugh! Any insight on how to make the best of a bleak situation?

-Ben, freshman

Dear Ben,

I don’t know, I got really heavily into drugs after that happened. On the bright side, I can hear colors now, so that’s pretty cool.

Hope this helped,

Aliz