Crime Report 11.8.16
On November 3 at 9:30 PM, EPD responded to reports of marijuana use at Dobbs Hall. Upon arrival, EPD was informed by students that marijuana is just a plant with many medicinal benefits. EPD’s heart grew three sizes that day and shared a toke.
On November 4 at 12:49 AM, EPD responded to a noise complaint at the Alpha Tau Omega (ATO) fraternity house, located at 12 Eagle Row. Upon EPD’s arrival, the house was fucking lit. EPD directed the house members to lower the volume and instead play soothing nature sounds.
On November 5 at 3:45 PM, EPD responded to a theft at the Woodruff P.E. Center. An Emory undergraduate student reported that his laptop, orange butt plug, and Crocs had been taken from his locker after it was broken into sometime during his workout between 2:15 PM and 3:30 PM. Items were valued at $1300. EPD promised to find the laptop and then started giggling uncontrollably.
On November 5 at 1:12 AM, EPD responded to a call regarding a person under the influence of alcohol at Longstreet-Means Hall. Emory Emergency Medical Services (EEMS), DeKalb Fire and Rescue and DeKalb American Medical Response (AMR) also arrived on the scene. Friends of the 18 year old student stated that he had taken three shots of vodka and before losing consciousness. The student was informed that he was a lightweight bitch and left in care of his friends. Campus Life was notified.
On November 7 at 2:30 PM, EPD responded to a call regarding suspicious activity in Lullwater Park. EPD found the suspect masturbating on a park bench. EPD was like “dude.”
On November 7 at 4:15 PM, EPD responded to a theft at the Smith Hall. An Emory undergraduate student stated that she had left their door unlocked while at class from 2:30-3:45 PM. She stated that when she had returned, two posters, her macaroni art, and a decorative lamp had been taken. Items are valued at $30, but some things are priceless, you know? The case has been assigned to a detective.
On November 8 at 9:30 AM, EPD responded to a disturbance at Druid Hills High School. Workers at the polling station stated that they had spotted two men who appeared to be trying to vote multiple times. Officers were unable to make contact with the suspect, but two helpful bystanders in Groucho Marx glasses reported that the suspects were likely doing their part to prevent the election from being rigged.
On November 8 at 11:15 AM, EPD responded to multiple reports of underage drinking at Druid Hills High School. Officers found multiple Emory undergraduate students drinking heavily as they lamented the sorry state of the country. EPD confiscated the liquor bottles while holding back tears.