Allen Huckabee, local con artist, said Thursday morning that he was looking forward to an early retirement in absolute luxury, “cruising the Caribbean,” as he put it.
“I got my first taste of crime when I was an Emory student myself. It seemed like the administration didn’t care about us at all, plus the food was way too expensive, so I started stealing all the napkins I could. Oddly enough, no one ever seemed to notice or care. I guess crime does pay.”
It wasn’t long before Huckabee figured out what people actually meant when they talked about “chasing paper,” and was committing some gateway frauds around Atlanta, netting moderate gains. His crimes began to snowball, and soon Huckabee was sucking in money left and right like a weird, fleshy vacuum cleaner. He’d ripped off individuals, businesses, even not-for-profit charities, before his eye returned to his alma mater.
“It was a stroke of genius, really,” Huckabee later said. “I was just brainstorming acts of general villainy, and I thought to myself, what if I told a school I could get them a great concert, then take the huge deposit and run, alienating the entire student body in the process? But no, that was crazy, right? I kept thinking about it more and more, and eventually I realized, this was crazy enough to work.”
Huckabee has described his plans for future life as “extravagantly lavish, on par with the crazier Roman emperors.” Given his recent windfall, this is not surprising. “I thought I had another thirty years, minimum, of work before I could retire. But since I hit the jackpot, so to speak, all my financial worries are alleviated and I’m free to pursue the finer things in life.” So golf.
At press time, Huckabee was considering if he might engage in just a little ironic philanthropy and have a building at Emory named in his honor.