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Campus Life Center email finally reveals something interesting during construction process

On September 5th, the weekly Campus Life Center email update was sent to and subsequently deleted by most of the student body. Those who opened the email were shocked to see that instead of another time-lapse video of the DUC being demolished or a written segment about how tearing up the center of campus and building not one but two new buildings was the most environmentally friendly plan Emory could come up with, there was a blurb about a mysterious subterranean discovery.

At some point during the seven days between emails, the construction crew stumbled upon what they are calling a “giant donut hole.” As one might expect, it was full of hundreds of old donut holes, ranging from original glazed to blueberry. The donut holes donut hole seems to have been left behind by a group of disgruntled Dunkin Donuts employees who were less than thrilled about the transition to Kaldi’s during the 2015-16 school year.

Terry Adams is a member of the construction crew who found the mound and told our reporters that he had originally believed the contents to be Kaldi’s Energy Bites.

“The donut holes were moldy and mostly covered in dirt, so from the other side of the construction site it just looked like someone had dumped a bunch of those tiny, overpriced Kaldi’s oat balls in the ground,” said Adams.

The Spoke was able to find one of these ex-Dunkin staff members, senior Sarah Johnson, who was present at the time of the burial.

“Being from Boston, of course I was ticked-off when I heard that they would be replacing Dunkin with a lower quality, higher priced alternative,” said a visibly distraught Johnson, “so a few of us loyal Dunkies came up with a wicked smart idea to keep the spirit of Dunkin alive.”

Johnson detailed the conception of the tribute, telling The Spoke about how Emory was planning on throwing away all of the leftover donut holes after Dunkin closed its doors forever.

“It was a disgrace to all of us, and since we knew Emory wouldn’t miss them anyways, we began to dig underneath the DUC Shawshank-style months ahead of when we were set to close so that we could bury every single leftover donut hole at the end of the school year.”

She then went on to talk about how the Dunkin employees made a pact to never purchase anything from Kaldi’s, the franchise that would eventually replace their beloved DD. Unfortunately, most of them went back on this promise once they heard about the cheese flatbread at the Depot location.

“I don’t really keep in touch with those traitors anymore,” Johnson stated pensively, “but I slept better at night knowing that we had left a pile of stale, rotting donut holes to taint the administration’s attempt to get rid of Dunkin Donuts.”

The Spoke reached out to members of the Class of 2021 for comments, but all of them were completely unaware that there had ever been a Dunkin Donuts on campus and said that they were pretty satisfied with the 6 dollar cup of hot dirt water sold at Kaldi’s.

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