CDC Battles Emory’s Post-Semiformal Hickey Epidemic

The CDC sent out a medical emergency warning to the entire Emory listserv alerting the community about a new contagious outbreak of what is colloquially known as “hickeys.” The early stages of the pandemic recently went unnoticed thanks to large amounts of makeup and strategic bruise placement. This was true until last night, when multiple Greek organizations had their respective semiformal dances. The number of cases has skyrocketed following a spike in unplanned sucking that could not be ignored.

Researchers working at the CDC have been tasked with learning how the contagion spreads and what preventive measures can be taken. While much of the methodology of research is classified, the researchers have released a few experimental procedures they have already used to understand these “love bites:”

–          Studying leeches’ behavior in natural and laboratory settings in order to understand the allure of sucking and bruising

–          Bruising peaches with the intent of recording the steps in the bruising process

–          Recruiting Sig Chi brothers, putting them in a room with various objects such as a lamp, a chair, a potted tree, and a surfboard, and observing what they try to mount in order to understand the limits of the horniness of fraternity members

Christie Tabernacle, a parent of an Emory sophomore and self-described “child of the Old Testament Jehovah”, emailed The Spoke to explain why action must be taken immediately, “The public needs to realize the underlying causes of this epidemic: romantic contact. Kissing has strayed from the lips and moved to the neck and gosh knows where else. If this contagion continues, our youth could begin practicing sexual contact. That’s just one devil’s gallop from orgies in the streets! Oh lord, it’ll be Sodom and Gomorrah all over again.”

While the CDC researchers laughed at Christie’s blissful ignorance, they did recognize the seriousness of the epidemic. In order to prepare the public adequately, doctors have released a list of preventative measure that can be taken. They advise practicing abstinence or wearing turtlenecks, which acts as both a physical barrier and forces the wearer into abstinence. If people still feel the need to engage in romantic contact, they should do so safely. Wearing a scarf or dickey in order to block the neck area can effectively prevent publicly-displayed hickeys and inhibit the seamless transition to other hickey-prone areas.

Braxton Heath, a senior in the college and social advocate, urges students to follow these preventative measures, “Trust me, being unsafe is really not cool, guys. We need to raise public awareness about safely interacting with people. I don’t want you, my friends of the Emory community, going to class with a hicky under your jaw. That’s why I plan on starting a movement to educate people on the risks and safe methods for giving and receiving a hickey.” While Braxton hasn’t hammered out the details, he did proudly tell us his slogan, “We suck, and it’s a problem.”

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