Campus Amphetamine Dealers Thankful for Single Reading Day

The hands of the free market
The hands of the free market

It seems like during finals season, everything is miserable; freshmen suffer nervous breakdowns coming to terms with the crushing weight of college academics; pre-medicine students have lost their voices from complaining about their course-load, and the Sigma Nu fraternity is still kicked off campus.

Many people blame these stressful conditions on Emory’s one day reading policy, in which students have only one free day between the end of classes and the beginning of finals. Opponents point out that prestigious universities like Harvard have over a week of study days, while the administration has countered that these opponents are “little bitches” who should “just shut the fuck up.”

There is one student group, however, who fully endorses the policy. The Amphetamine Dealing and Distribution club has widely supported the administration’s finals week calendar. Members of ADD remain convinced that a day is more than enough time to study for finals, as long as students are able to remain seated, studying, and focused without eating or using the bathroom for twenty hours at a time.

ADD President Dan “Ca$$$h” Anderson told the Spoke that “profits have never been higher” and that “Emory was really doing him a solid” with this policy. “There’s just no way an average human being can accomplish the work they expect of us,” continued Dan. “ And because ADD is committed to ensuring that the average human being is unable to sleep or physically do anything besides study, we enjoy a positive business relationship with the University that’s typically reserved for the business relationship we have with our doctors.”

At press time, Dan reflected that if the University were to change its policies to allow students to study in a safe and healthy manner, his business would be “pretty much fucked.”

1 Comment

  1. I understand you ladies and gentlemen write a humor publication, but isn’t this article essentially defaming Emory’s dedicated dealers? As one who dabbles in dealing a bit myself, I couldn’t help but cringe at your misrepresentations of dealer society. Intentional or not, permeating pusher stereotypes is counter productive to society at large.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

*