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Breaking: Tom Brady is THAT Guy in the Group Project

Group projects are notoriously difficult for students to maintain, and randomly assigned groups are considered unbearable by many Emory students. According to multiple students in Professor Thompson’s Intro to Air Pressure class, the announcement of the assigned groups for the final presentation was preceded with dread, because one member of the class was a notorious free rider. The Spoke recently received a hot tip that Tom Brady was spotted in the last row of Prof. Thompson’s lecture, sunglasses covering his obviously hungover gaze.

Student Cory Heiman reported that he was thinking to himself, “Not Brady, not Brady, not Brady,” as the teacher begins to read off the names:

Group 1:

Cory Heiman (me)

Gena Elwes

Tom Brady

Cory told the Spoke that he was thinking, “Oh shit, not Tom Brady. Anyone but Brady. I heard he cheated on his last project by with something related to… deflation? That would be an issue in Intro to Air Pressure. I don’t really know, but the rumors ran rampant and none of our classmates can look at him the same after the honor council hearing.”

The students reluctantly gather together in their groups. Brady keeps fumbling his words while deliberating all the ways he thinks they can do the least amount of work possible and still decently pass. Cory reports that Gena decide to be forward with Brady and said:

“Listen, Brady. I don’t care how many times you’ve used these methods and still got by. This is our final presentation. It’s worth 40% of our grade, so we are going to do a good job.”

He rudely mumbles something under his breath. Gena believes it’s something like “punt,” but she’s not sure.

According to Heiman, weeks passed and Brady did not reply to any of of the group’s texts or Facebook messages about meeting for the project. Our investigators take note as Cory huddles all of his presentation notecards into a neat stack and awaits what we assume will be an impending downfall. Other students notice him recite Hail Mary’s under his breath, which we assume is him praying that Brady did his part of the presentation.

Professor Thompson calls, “Group one.”

Gena, Cory, and Brady walk to the front of the lecture hall, with Cory’s guiding notecards in his hands and the presentation clicker in Gena’s. Gena and Cory give their of the presentation on “The Qualifications for 12.5 psi vs. 13.5 psi in sporting equipment.” Cory and Gena reportedly looked over to Brady, apprehensively waiting Brady to begin his portion of the presentation.

According to all other students in the room, Brady inexplicably crushes the presentation. Gena and Cory are also shocked. According to Cory, Brady “got into the zone, and we were just in awe- waiting to see some sort of flags being thrown or anything. It looked as if he absolutely knows what he’s talking about.”

Gena concurred. “It was amazing. Brady stood up on a chair and started proclaiming some motivational shit as if he were giving a celebratory speech not at all related to our presentation topic,” Gena said.

Even Prof. Thompson is impressed. “He ended the presentation with some grand statement that leaves the whole room applauding. Despite the feedback from Gena and Cory that Brady did nothing to contribute the project, his execution of the presentation shows that he undoubtedly did something,” said Prof. Thompson. In self-assessment of how much each student contributed to the project, Brady willingly accepts total credit.

While the Spoke doesn’t understand how Tom Brady manages to continue to dazzle the American people, we also find ourselves both impressed and irritated. However, Gena and Cory report that they forever remember Tom Brady as the worst group project partner.

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