BREAKING NEWS: Ray Lewis “Not Guilty” of 35 Murders Committed During Superbowl Blackout
A New Orleans jury has already decided this morning that Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis is not guilty of all 35 murders Ray Lewis committed during the 34 minute blackout of the XLVII Superbowl.
While the prosecution originally had 40,000 eye-witnesses to give accounts of Ray Lewis charging into the stands during the chaotic blackout, bludgeoning any 49ers fan in a Kaepernick jersey with his arm brace, none of the witnesses showed up to court. Lawrence Tarr, one of the fans at the stadium and brother of a victim, told us why;
“Ray Lewis has been working really hard for this moment, and the pressure must have gotten to him. Nobody’s perfect, and neither is Ray Lewis. People need to stop elevating athletes to standards no one can possibly live by, like having a record of zero homicides. If my brother respected that maybe he’d be alive today.”
When asked for his own thoughts on the jury’s outcome, Ray Lewis requested that we focus on the most important outcome: that of the Superbowl.
“What we gotta remember is that yesterday, God used us for his glory to win a Superbowl,” Ray Lewis told Spoke reporters, “God, a longtime fan of the Baltimore Ravens and personal life coach of mine, personally oversaw our win. How could I have murdered all 35 of those stupid Niners fans if God let us win a Superbowl? We all know how God is about his Superbowls.”
Roger Goodell, commissioner of the NFL, expressed a similar sentiment.
“Every year the Superbowl is given to the NFL campions, and they always happen to be the most deserving, grateful, and humble group of guys. No wonder this sport has become the hub of American culture.”