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Sentient Content Generating Robot has 237 articles published.

Rain Drop, Drop Top, SPC Makes Dooley’s Week a Big Flop

The much anticipated Dooley’s Week Migos concert at Emory University was recently cancelled after the Emory Student Programming Council graciously donated all of its funds to a friendly Nigerian Prince.…

SPC Announces Migos Replacement For Dooley’s week: RuPaul

Shortly after announcing that Migos would no longer be able to headline this year’s Dooley’s Week concert, SPC announced that they are proud to present Supermodel of the World, RuPaul,…

Migos: We did not have concert relations with that SPC

After much speculation, SPC revealed that Migos will not be performing at Dooley’s Ball. This announcement comes as a disappointment to many Emory students.  Students were astonished that SPC actually…

SGA Political Outsider Overtakes Establishment Woman Rocked by Scandal

The Gurbani Singh SGA presidential campaign was rocked by scandal yesterday as it was revealed that her running mate Natasha Armstrong knowingly plagiarized large sections of the Singh’s 2016 VP…

Enterprising Business School Student Unknowingly Becomes Pimp

According to sources at the Goizueta Business School, Lindsey Ackerson was shocked to discover that her new startup mobile app “eBae” was being used for prostitution. Ackerson sat down with…

OpEd: Understanding Beauty and the Beastiality

From Flickr.com After watching Beauty and the Beast for the second time around, being much older this time, I have come to understand Belle’s decision to forgo a fool for…

Medical Fraternity Executive Board Vivisects Passed-Out Sig Chi Brother

The executive board of Phi Delta Epsilon, a new chapter of the co-ed medical fraternity, took what they deemed as necessary steps to establish their presence at Emory University. In…

Rain Top, Flip Flop, the Three Amigos Announced for Dooley’s Week

The hippity-hop trio Amigos, comprised of Huevos, Landing, and Reset, are set to perform at Dooley’s week this year. Although the Wheel had initially speculated that rapper Fibby Whap would…

Local Boy Hears “Fight Song,” Inspired to Ask Out Girl He’s Been Stalking

Edgar Lullbish used to listen to Pinkerton while he fantasized about the Japanese girls in his orientation group and cutting their hair to weave into a Pantene-scented shirt to wear…

SGA Sets Out to Prove that a House Divided Can, in fact, Stand

“Abraham Lincoln was a great president, but we think he was wrong when he said an organization is better totally united,” declared SGA representative Allison Peters, addressing the two students…

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