Ann Arbor – A new study released this week from the University of Michigan ended the doubts of thousands of lonely males and confirmed that all attractive women studying across from them desire nothing more in this world than for a lone strange man to walk up to them and swiftly alert them of their beauty.
The study overwhelmingly supported the principle that the vast majority of women who appear to be minding their own business and going about their daily lives need the constant approval of unknown men, and have been desperately waiting for these guys to talk to them for months.
The research came after previous studies had confirmed the effectiveness of unsolicited compliments to attractive women in other locations, including in crowded rides on public transportation, during meals, and walking home late at night.
“What we’ve found here is that there is no better way to engage a woman than by aggressively walking up to her and complimenting her physical appearance, whether it be her breasts or legs” stated researcher Matthew Phillips. “A random man walking up to you alone with a clear intention of going balls deep is an experience every college woman craves, but unfortunately is hard to come by.”
Most were not surprised by the report, which noted that 100% of casual hookups, relationships, and marriages begin with an unnecessarily forward interaction between a woman and a man that she has never met. 67% of the relationships evolved immediately to sex after the man called the woman either “a lady of eloquent shapeliness” or simply “hot stuff.”
“I mean, it’s nothing I didn’t already know,” commented prolific womanizer and super-senior Mike Gibbins. “Girls want you to be confident, so you gotta be forward. They want, no, they NEED an unfamiliar alpha male to walk up to them and tell them they are rockin’ it tonight.”
At press time, local suitor Martin Jacoby began his confident stride towards Lauren Stringer in the library, as she sunk her face deep in her textbook and mouthed prayers.