Animals Offended by Your Halloween Costume
As Halloween approaches, more and more articles circulate about culturally appropriated costumes. Colleges work to discuss the lines of cultural consideration while also balancing freedom of expression. We at the Spoke would like to speak for those being appropriated who do not have a voice— animals. Let’s end sexy animal appropriation. If you’re going to appropriate animal culture, at least be accurate.
The sexy bunny is a popular option. It is easy to put together and practically a srat classic. The thing is, the most notable part about a bunny is its fur. The only fur on this costume is on the bunny ears, which is particularly the least furry part of a bunny. I’d recommend taping a bunch of cotton balls to your body. It’s cheap, effective, and will still attract the attention that you so desperately seek. And let’s not forget that since a rodent’s incisors never stop growing, you’re going to want those obnoxious fake buckteeth from your local prank store.
The sexy cat is another classic costume. Drawing whiskers on your face is not accurate enough. If you want to truly embrace cat culture, you’ll need to tape about four feet of clear string onto your face. The one downside is that if you commit to your costume and go to a party that has a disco ball or laser lights, you’ll spend the whole night trying, and failing, to catch them. Also, cats are notorious for being antisocial. If someone comes up to you, just glare at him. If he get too close, scurry away and find the nearest tree to climb up. I mean, you’re a cat. What did he expect?
The sexy goldfish is one of the most impractical and most appropriated costume options. If you are going to be a goldfish, you need to come in a full bowl of water. Otherwise, you’re just a dead goldfish. And that’s just gross. Besides, why are you even at this party? You’d be happier at home, in bed, cuddling with a full-bodied bag of fun sized Snickers bars. You really are a fish out of water.
Black and white is a great color scheme. The contrast in the colors is sure to catch someone’s eye. But if you’re going to wear this costume, you need to preserve the skunk’s most famous defense mechanism: a stink spray. This is up to your discretion, but most experts in the strong-odored mammals agree AXE products are a pretty safe bet. And if you’re at a party and a guy suddenly hops on you and catches you off guard, stink bomb him.
Don’t be offended if people keep asking you if your name is Polly or if you want a cracker, it’s a conditioned human response to seeing a parrot. Aside from having to perfect that massive wingspan, you will also have to repeat everything people say in a high pitched, squawky voice. And if no one is talking, no need to fear— you can repeat the song lyrics obnoxiously.
If you’re hoping to attract a man, why not go as man’s best friend. If a guy you like approaches you, reach behind you to start wagging your tail; all men know this means that you’re excited. Also, constantly demand attention. If the guy you’re interested in is dancing with another girl, go sit on the ground right next to him and stare until he notices you. Maybe nudge his hand with your nose if it takes a while.
I understand the concept of wanting to be something scary for Halloween. If I see a bear in the wild, I can reasonably assume that I’d scream and flee. If you want to have a scary costume, but also pull off sexy— congrats, you’ve done it. But let’s talk about the impracticality of the fur situation here. Bears have fur to keep them warm. Here, the costume exposes a large thigh area, essentially nullifying the purpose of the fur. You won’t survive your seven and a half month hibernation like that.
Like with the bear, it’s okay to want to be something people have a fear response to for Halloween. To truly capture the essence a bee, you need giant wings. Because practically, in order for wings to move that plump bee body, you’re going to need big ass wings. I’m talking about the size of your body and about as wide as your arm span, otherwise how could you possibly generate enough lift to buzz noisily around your friends?
Please keep these costume alterations in your mind this Halloween season. Animal culture is so unique and special, it would be a shame to make anyone feel uncomfortable by wearing an inaccurate costume. Together, we can end sexy animal appropriation.